Sinking Ship Marriages

If you are in one, it’s a scary thing. With a lot of anger, defeatism, anxiety, and damaged pride as shipmates. But, maybe you still feel that you would rather patch the holes that are rapidly taking on water, rather than just bailing out. 

Maybe you feel the kids deserve a home with both a mom and a dad in it. Maybe, just maybe, you believe that what you two had, at one point in time, is still worth fighting for. If so, then let’s talk about how to fight for what you want.

First and foremost, determine within yourself to kill your spouse with kindness in those times when you would much rather use dynamite. That means look for tiny things to do for your spouse. Everyone of you have heard the old line, “You catch more flies with honey than, blah, blah, blah.  But as irritating as that cliche is, it’s still true. For flies and for spouses. 

Secondly, long before you get into that first of your multi-daily arguments, decide that at least for today, you will refuse to take offense when your spouse does some of those certain things that you despise. Make the decision to simply walk away into another room, rather than indulge in your habitual “All hands and words on deck, cause I’m gonna win this round.” 

Mr. or Mrs. Spouse, you have to firmly act on the decision that you will be the bigger man, or curvier woman, as the case may be. Resolve to give your marriage another chance to be a happy one, rather than the renowned neighborhood brawling spot. This is going to mean swallowing your pride each time you instinctively want to fire back, insult for insult, and barb for barb.

It’s also going to mean deliberately finding a way to give compliments. I don’t care what you compliment, just find it. Whether it’s how good the lawn looks after your spouse finally mowed it for the first time this summer, or how you think your spouse looks like an eighth of an ounce of flab got lost since a week ago. Just find a simple believable compliment to give. Then keep at it. Simple, believable compliments, combined with admiration.  And then have the devious pleasure of watching the stunned incredulous look flash into your spouse’s eyes.

Lastly, work at finding something to laugh about together. Laughter is healing, and it can bring people closer together.

Now, a word of warning; don’t give up when your attempt at civility isn’t quickly reciprocated. Stay determined to improve your home atmosphere. After all, it didn’t deteriorate to frozen Alaskan tundra overnight, and it will likely take time to thaw the air. 

Sure, the thought of having to play nice-nice is daunting, especially in the face of your spouse’s not-so-nice actions. But think long and hard about it. Seeing your marriage saved, or seeing a divorce barreling at you? It’s got to be worth a shot.