Is Someone Staying Miserable by Habit?

I am convinced of a truth after living all these years on this earth. Simply and baldly stated, there are some people who have bathed themselves in misery for years. And they truly do not want anyone to hand them a big thick towel to dry off. They experienced a severe trauma in their life some time before, and rather than grieving it, and then slowly moving past it – or at least WANTING to move on from it – they get stuck with that wet muck all over them.

Now I am not saying they consciously prefer to live the rest of their years on earth in sadness and misery. Not at all. I am saying that they do not know how to want to get on with their newly adjusted life. And there lies the problem.

Deciding to move on in a new way with your life takes guts and determination. And for some, that just seems entirely too difficult, so they just stop. They have been mired in grief and depression for so long that the deep hole they have lived in simply become a way of living. Grief and depression can zap physical strength, fuzz your ability to think, and badly weaken your ability to ‘gird your loins’ to do what needs to be done. So too many hurting folks can end up feeling as if there is no way out, no hope of ever getting back to enjoying life.

They will tell anyone who wants to help them that they really don’t want their help, all they really want is for their time on earth to be over. And if someone insists on offering encouragement or solutions to their problems, very often the traumatized-person-who-has-decided-to-remain-that-way will become hurt and angry.

Going down the drain of defeated thinking, feeling, and living.

What do you do – as the ‘someone’ who cares and wants to help? Certainly, you can suggest professional counseling. But beware, you best have on your asbestos suit. Talking in depth about their feelings is usually the last thing they want, and they will let you know it.

Being there for them is good and necessary, but again, don the asbestos suit. You’re going to need it over your heart and feelings. Their pain level can take its toll on you.

You will really need to remember this: Each person who is grieving does it in their own way and on their own time table. The old belief: “It’s been a whole year, my word! Can’t she pull herself up by her bootstraps and get on with her life yet?” may be true for some. But it is not fool-proof and guaranteed for all. Patience, a listening ear, encouragement, and a willingness to dance the one-step-forward-and-two-steps-backward pattern with your loved one is vital.

Last advice? Be self-aware and care for yourself. Don’t ignore your own feelings and find yourself swirling the drain, when it’s almost too late.